All my own little projects feel pointless in a genocide
What stories should I continue to tell?
TW: genocide, depression
I know I’m not the only one to be feeling like making art right now feels, weird. It feels uncomfortable. And it sometimes feels pointless. There are loads of people still making art and I think that is great. I really don’t want to comment on what anyone else is doing I just want to talk about my own experience in this moment.
I like writing about dreamy things like the experience of living with a travelling circus and what it’s like being an actor.
At the moment I’m producing a play, my own solo show, which is set in a caff, it’s about four women, it’s about food and love and coming out queer later in life. There is space for me to work in my feeling of anger and disappointment. So that’s what I did today. Because how can I stand on stage in October in a play that is set now and not have that be a part of it. I actually thought, well, if I want this to be like escapism for the audience then I could say “oh well, the play is kind of set in London 2025 where the genocide doesn’t exist.” But that would just be bullshit.
I’m glad that there are things still going on to see at theatre, and telly to watch that is just dumb and silly and not about war and death and destruction. But also, it feels so weird.
I keep seeing all of these adverts for mushroom gummies and different serums on Instagram in between the clips of bombs and the decimated Gaza strip. And the voiceover is always like “do you feel unmotivated, sluggish, tired all the time?” And I just keep thinking, yeah and because I’m thinking about thousands of people being murdered and starved and obliterated 3595.38 km away. How can people sell stuff like that when this is happening. Of course people feel like shit they have souls. (Okay sorry that is my one judgey statement of this letter.)
Where should our money be going. I’m about to make a show, we potentially have not got our ACE funding. I don’t want to do a crowd fund. When there are so many crowd funds for families in Gaza, how can I add to that asking people to donate to my show? Do ones of those videos where it starts with me being like “oo, let me just check my fringe” - urgh. I don’t have a fringe anymore but you know what I mean.
All I can do right now is do what I can with the body and the mind that I have. That mind is good at acting, and teaching, and usually it’s okay at writing. But, it feels irrelevant writing about some things at the moment. I went to the circus and I wanted to write about the magic of the show and the summer fields and the ponies but I just can’t bring myself to describe it.
It also feels irrelevant trying to make career progress. Like the constant emails and networking and applying for things. Like what are you meant to say “hope this finds you well” “hope you’re having a good week so far” “hope you’re enjoying the sun.” Is that appropriate? If this is affecting them won’t they just be thinking: “well no I’m not enjoying my day much really I just found out 6 journalists were assassinated this morning.”
When you think about world war II it has this feeling for me, like really terrifying and murky and dark. I’ve thought about it before because I’ve played roles or I’ve written characters in it.
And now the world is actually in several wars, but it’s not affecting us directly because our government is pretending like it’s not happening, it’s just really fucking weird. And London is sunny and warm and when I take a walk in Ally Pally and the trees cast shadows across the dusty path with roots winding their way through it can feel like things are okay. But it’s getting worse and worse every day.
I know I’m still allowed to have bits of my day where I’m not thinking about it. And I know I need to rest in order to be strong to turn up and I also I have to work so that I can afford to live and donate when I can. But like doing anything where it’s just like me telling a story of my own choice feels really weird and uncomfortable.
The only time it makes sense is when it’s for the children. I have been working in libraries doing a fun coding workshop where I play a lady who has a robot that we need to make a video game for. And it’s fun. And it feels like it’s allowed to be fun. For the children. No one wants these kids to have a shit summer holiday thinking about genocide. So that’s great. That’s a good day.
And I’m really enjoying any dystopian comedy right now, Michael Spicer’s No Room, and @wsebag comedy on Instagram. I’ve also been escaping into Harlem with Miles and Spiderman, awakening the teenager gamer in me. I spent hours and hours fighting baddies and swinging from the roofs. Didn’t know I even like Spiderman, now I dream it.
I know there have always been things to be angry and upset and disappointed about all over the world. But what Isr@el is doing, the gen0cide reaching it’s final stage, People are saying, what will you say you did when you witnessed this? Does it matter about the progression of my acting career in a genocide? Does it matter about not being consistent with my substack? We have to move forward in our daily lives, but how do we do that sensitively? How do we do it with care for what is happening in Gaza? This is what I don’t understand.
My attention is elsewhere. My attention is on Palestine. And I didn’t even know anything about it until 2 years ago because I was so uneducated. I was ignorant. Now I’m trying to do better. I’m sorry this is so jumbled.
Please donate to Muhammad’s fundraiser if you can,